Once in Silence
by EmilyDee
Summary: Hermione was never the same after Harry's death. Although married to Ron, she remains a shadow of her former self, tethered to the past. She copes by reliving her final year in Hogwarts. Harry/Hermione. AU. Waning: Extremely depressing and angsty!
1. Prologue

**"ONCE IN SILENCE"**

Ship: H/Hr

Rating: T

A/N: I actually wrote this story back in 2006 when I was using the pen name chin06. But since I made this new account, I decided to move my story here. I've made a couple of changes but not much.

The inspiration of my story comes from a song from one of my favorite Broadway musical/movie "Camelot" titled "I Loved You Once in Silence". It's a great movie and of course, the late Richard Harris who played Dumbledore in the first two movies of HP was the King Arthur in this film.

The song is a sort of sad love song between Guinevere and Lancelot and about their "forbidden" love. So, I decided to make this story a forbidden love between Harry and Hermione because Ron is in love with Hermione and they both don't want to hurt him. Ron is "Arthur" in this case, which isn't too far-fetched given his nickname, "Weasley is our King".

A fair warning though, this story is _**incredibly**_ depressing, miserable, and heart wrenching so it's not for the faint of hearts who can't handle this level of angst but I hope you guys do like it.

This story is from Hermione's POV taking place after the war but I think of it as more of a second person perspective as opposed to third despite the monologue-ish narration. It, for me, is meant for only one person and could somehow be looked at as a one-sided dialogue, though I doubt that makes any sense, but you know, whatever.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.**

I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.

Enjoy!

**PROLOGUE**

I loved you once in silence.

The memories and the past are all I have now. They are what keep me going each and everyday.

I'm looking out my window and the day seems so cheerful and bright. If only I could be just like it.

But I'm not.

All I have left is my misery, my regrets and my sorrows.

I never told him about what happened between us but I don't think I need to. He knows.

I've come to believe that he has always known but is just too proud to say or do anything about it.

He's been gone for quite some time now, perhaps almost a week.

He has once again left me to brood in this cold and empty house which we only recently procured because it was close to the Burrow and his family.

He loves his family so very much.

They've just come to accept me as his wife. Even though it's been almost three years since he and I said "I do".

Perhaps they knew about you and me as well.

Tears start to trickle down my face.

My tears, it seems, have become my only true companions all these years.

Not a day goes by without me shedding them silently every night.

There has never been a pillow in my room that hasn't felt the wretched dampness caused by my endless flow of tears.

Somehow, they just never seem to stop flowing.

Why, you ask, have I become like this? A miserable, depressed woman trapped in the throes of the past.

I, myself, do not know the answer to that question.

I only know that I am not who I used to be. I am but a shadow of who I used to b. Here I am, pining after someone whose soul has departed from this world so very long ago.

Perhaps I have gone mad. Perhaps I have become delusional and ill. Perhaps it's because I don't want to forget and move on with my life.

Because without you, my love, I know there is no purpose in my life.

And you're gone…

You died to save us all. For many, it was expected. It was the only way to rid the world of darkness and evil.

But did you realize that you took my heart and soul with you when you went to the grave?

I remember that day at your funeral. Throngs of witches and wizards from all over the globe came to pay their last respects to the Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. The Savior of the world.

I watched the service at a distance, in fear that I would lose all sense of reason if I drew any closer.

I was on the brink of throwing myself unto your coffin and beg to be burned with you.

I was so very near my breaking point. I turned away.

I couldn't… I just couldn't… bear to look on anything anymore.

I could not…no—_never_ accept the fact that you're gone.

But you are.

Ron tried his best to comfort me, to show how much he loves me and to persuade me to forget and move on. He even moved our wedding to a sooner date.

I tried my best to do what you asked me to do: To make him happy, to love him and to protect him.

But I realize now that he doesn't deserve me. I don't know how he can bear each day loving me knowing that I could never reciprocate his feelings the way he wants me to.

He deserves someone who would love him as any wife would love her husband. He doesn't deserve this sham of a marriage.

Perhaps he's starting to realize all this. Perhaps that explains his long absences which grow longer as each month passes by.

If only there was some spell or potion that could heal these wounds, but there isn't.

Not even his love is enough anymore…

Why did you have to leave me so suddenly?

Why didn't we turn that one night into the beginning of a long and happy life?

If I had only been with you, you wouldn't have recklessly thrown your life away.

You had a choice. You always had a choice.

Even in the face of death, you could have chosen to fight and live… but you didn't.

You had a choice to promise me you'll come back to me… but you didn't.

You had a choice to take me, choose to be with me and love me… but you didn't.

Why?

Perhaps you gave up on us. Perhaps you convinced yourself that you could never have me. Perhaps you still couldn't bear the thought of betraying your best friend.

_Our_ best friend.

Once again, that pain, that guilt, that agony overwhelms me just as strongly and as vividly as it did four years ago, during our last year at Hogwarts.

The year that held so much promise for me and for us.

The year that held so much joy and happiness as well as so much pain and despair.

The year that I dwell in each and every single day.

The year we broke the agonizing silence of our hearts.


	2. I Loved You Once in Silence

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.

I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.

Enjoy!

_I loved you once in silence_

_And misery was all I knew_

_Trying so to keep my love from showing_

_All the while not knowing_

_You loved me too_

_-Guinevere "Camelot"_

**I Loved You Once in Silence**

I don't know why it took me so long to realize I was in love with you.

Maybe it was because I didn't immediately perceive what I felt for you as love.

Maybe it was because I was so occupied with other matters.

Maybe it was because of all the chaos and frenzy surrounding us during that time.

Yet, we still managed to continue our normal, or what we in the magical world consider normal, lives.

Ron and I had just started dating.

It didn't take long for people to accept our relationship.

It was obvious from the start that Ron and I would be together, they said.

I was such a fool to believe them.

I knew that Ron truly loved me. He was good to me. He did all he could to make me happy.

And I was happy for a time, relieved that the animosity Ron and I previously shared had finally died down. But somehow, I could feel that something was missing.

There was this gigantic void inside me that would never fill up.

I thought that if I just tried hard enough to love Ron the way he deserved to be loved, that horrible emptiness inside would disappear.

But it didn't. It just kept growing and it was killing me slowly and painfully.

I did all I could to keep it hidden from everyone; from Ron and from you especially.

It surprised me how easily you adjusted to this new relationship between me and Ron.

But then it's expected, right? I mean, you are our best friend. Why shouldn't you be the most supportive of Ron and mine's relationship?

So, I let things be and continued on with my life, not knowing how screwed up it was soon going to become…

Late one night in the silent empty common room, while I was working tirelessly on an essay for Ancient Runes by the fireplace, I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.

Looking up, I saw it was you. You were gazing at me with concern in your emerald green eyes.

"Hermione, it's late. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"But, I have to—" I started to say.

"Even brilliant minds have to get a good night's sleep once in a while, you know." You say with a wry smile.

"But—"

"It can wait, Hermione. You look tired." By the tone in your voice, I knew I couldn't argue.

You pulled my chair back as I stood up and I smiled secretly.

_Always a gentleman_, I said to myself.

I looked at my watch and was stunned. It was a quarter past midnight.

"Goodness! I didn't realize it was this late! What are you doing up at this time anyway? Shouldn't you be asleep?" I asked as I gathered my things hurriedly and shoved them into my bag.

"I was but I…" your voice trailed off as you looked away and swallowed hard.

Looking at you closely, I could see dark lines beneath your eyes.

You were having those nightmares again.

"Don't worry about me, Hermione. I'll be alright." You say trying to reassure me.

"You know you can talk to me Harry. You can tell me anything."

I saw that flash of pain glint in your eyes, "I know."

Not knowing why, I reached for your hand just to let you know I was there for you.

Your grip was warm and comforting when you took it.

"Come on, Harry. As you said, it's late." I say in a whisper.

You nodded but you didn't move when I started to lead you away.

I looked at you curiously and watched the firelight dance in the reflection of your glasses.

Your emerald green eyes were gazing at me intently underneath the shade of your thick jet-black hair.

There was something about your stare that was turning my legs all jelly-like.

Why was I suddenly feeling this incredible desire to drown myself in your eyes and run my fingers through your rumpled hair?

My heart started to beat rapidly as you drew closer to me.

So close, your scent was so strong, it made me slightly lightheaded.

You slowly lifted my hand that was still in yours and let it rest on your shoulder.

I didn't pull away, instead I moved closer till my chest was pressed up against yours.

Your arm slowly made its way around my waist.

Without realizing it, my eyes were darting from your eyes to your lips and back again as your head started to tilt closer to mine.

_What are you doing? Snap out of it! Harry is your best friend. Ron's best friend! He's YOUR BOYFRIEND'S best friend_! A voice started screaming to me somewhere in my mind.

But it was abruptly silenced as your mouth came in contact with mine.

And I knew then what heaven tasted like.

The kiss started slow and sweet, as we savored that first intimate connection.

But then, surrendering myself to you, I opened my mouth and was lost to you completely.

That was when the intensity of the kiss shot up as the soft tenderness was immediately overcome with fiery passion and hunger.

Our hands seemed to be everywhere. Mine were entangled in your hair while yours ran down my back, pushing me closer to you as our kiss grew even deeper and more passionate.

It seemed as if it would go on forever. I didn't want it to end but then the need for oxygen forced me to pull away abruptly.

We were both breathing in quick ragged breaths. My lips were swollen from the kiss and your glasses were slightly askew.

"Harry... I—" I started to say.

"I'm in love with you, Hermione."

It was so soft and so low, I almost didn't hear it. But I didn't miss those words.

My mind was whirling from the kiss and from what you had just said.

I felt my knees start to give way and I stepped back as I reached for the nearest chair, holding unto it for support.

I closed my eyes.

_This must be a dream… it HAS to be a dream… a weird erotic dream…_

But when I opened them, I saw you still standing there as real as the rapid beats of my heart.

Tears started fill my eyes and after I took a deep breath, they started to trickle down my cheek.

"Oh, Harry, I—"

"'Ey, Wotcha' both still doin' down here?" came a sleepy voice from the stairs.

We both turned to find Ron in his pajamas. A robe loosely tied around him as he walked down the stairs rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn.

It was just too much for me to bear. To face him after what we just did.

The irony of his arrival after what had just occurred slapped me hard in the face.

You were looking down at your feet and said nothing but I knew you felt just as guilty as I did.

Burying my face in my hands, I ran past Ron sobbing uncontrollably and just before I closed the door behind me, I heard Ron ask furiously,

"What in the bloody hell is going on?"

I ran and collapsed in my bed.

Muffling my cries into the pillow since I didn't want the girls in the room to wake up and start asking questions.

Questions I did not have the heart or the strength to answer.

How could I have been so weak and so stupid?

Why didn't I push you away? Why didn't I refuse you?

Then, it hit me.

I, too, was madly, insanely and desperately in love with you.

I was just too stupid and too stubborn to see it.

But at the cost of hurting and losing the one person who meant so much to the both of us, did we even have the right to do what we had just done?

Ron…

What would he say if he ever found out?

I cried harder than I ever cried before.

The memory of that night still remains as vivid to me as though it had just happened even after so many years have passed.

That night was the first of my many lonely miserable nights when I started crying myself to sleep.


	3. Dark Despair

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.

I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.

Enjoy!

_Yes, loved me in lonesome silence_

_Your heart filled with dark despair_

_Thinking love would flame in you forever_

_And I'd never ever_

_Know the flame was there…_

_-Guinevere "Camelot"_

**Dark Despair**

I don't know how I managed to face the both of you the next day.

With that little incident we had the night before hanging over my head, it was a miracle how I managed to act as if nothing was wrong.

As if nothing happened.

As if I felt…nothing.

It was if I had two personalities.

One was the brilliant, rational, composed, and level-headed Hermione.

The other Hermione was confused, emotional, frightened and miserable.

Even lying to Ron about what really happened the night before seemed as easy as levitating a feather.

I succeeded in convincing him that nothing of vital importance happened that night except that I was tired and frustrated from my essay writing and took it out on you.

If only I had done the same in convincing myself.

But it was clear to everyone that I wasn't my usual self that day.

The "brilliant" Hermione was slowly giving way to the other Hermione.

Throughout the entire day, that moment we shared by the fireplace plagued my mind incessantly.

I couldn't concentrate. I had no appetite. I couldn't stop fidgeting every time you drew near.

I was unusually quiet. My mind seemed to wander everywhere.

I was actually daydreaming for the first time in my entire life during Transfigurations class. Professor Mcgonagall had to call my name twice before I came out of my ridiculous reverie.

I couldn't seem to focus on anything, even my work. I had to ask people to repeat what they had just said more than once that they were beginning to believe me to be partially deaf.

For the first time in my entire life, something was strong enough to distract me from everything else that I thought were extremely important in my life… and that something was YOU.

You were rather quiet that day too but everyone knew you probably just had a lot on your mind being that you were the "Chosen One" and all.

Everyone left you alone to deal with your hidden demons.

To them you were the tragic brooding Hero of the Wizarding World.

But to me, my love, you were JUST Harry.

And that was who I fell in love with. Who I still am in love with even after all these years… even though I knew that you and I could never be.

The wrenching misery of being caught in this emotional rollercoaster between the past and the present gripped my heart tighter than an iron fist.

Those silent, agonizing days after that night we first kissed dragged on slowly and painfully for me.

Did you ever know how hard it was to kiss Ron hello every morning and see that look in your eyes when I turn to greet you, hoping you could see through my eyes how much I wanted to throw myself in your arms instead of his?

Did you ever realize how hard it was to smile at Ron and lean into his embrace whenever I saw you look away with your jaw hardening and your hand clenched into a fist?

Did you ever consider the countless times I've closed my eyes and wished it was you caressing my cheek or my arm?

I've fought wearily enough trying to hide these emotions from him.

He didn't and doesn't deserve this kind of pain.

_Oh, what in the bloody hell is wrong with me?_ I asked myself then, _I'm in love with my boyfriend's best friend. __**My**__ best friend._

A few weeks after that kissing incident, I was leaving the library and I found you standing outside as if you were waiting for me.

"Hermione…"

It was amazing how just the sound of your voice breathing my name could already make my knees feel so weak.

"We need to talk."

If only you knew how that was easier said than done.

I couldn't speak to you yet. I couldn't even bear to look up at you.

"There is nothing we need to talk about." I replied bluntly.

I started to turn away.

But as I did, you caught my arm and held fast to me.

Fortunately, the hallway was deserted. No prying eyes glancing suspiciously at us.

"Please, let go of me." I replied as I avoided your gaze your gaze, trying to be strong but the quivering in my voice was too prominent to hide.

_Please let go of me. A minute longer in your grasp and I swear to the heavens above, I would drop all resistance and fall right back into your arms._

You loosened your hold and drew near to me. Near enough to whisper in my ear.

"How much longer do you think I can bear this? Do you think I am that strong and that stupid to pretend nothing happened that night? Do you think I saw it as nothing? This pain….it's burning. It's eating me up inside, Hermione. I can't stand it any longer!"

"Just walk away, Harry. There's enough grief and despair as it is. You don't have to feel that pain any more because of what… happened. If I am the cause of your pain then let me go and everything will be forgotten." I murmured low enough for only you to hear.

My lips trembled as I spoke.

Tears started to fill my eyes and my chest seemed to tighten so much that I couldn't breathe properly.

"How could you say that so easily, Hermione?"

_Oh, Harry, if only you knew how difficult and painful it really was._

"Was that night a meaningless incident for you? Did my words mean nothing?"

_That night and your words meant more than the world…_

"Ron's going to be looking for us, Harry…"

The words slipped out of my mouth and it took a few seconds for my mind to register what I had just said.

I didn't want to say, I didn't mean to say it…

"By your will or not, what happened, happened. You can't run away and ignore this forever. You and I both know it would be a futile attempt to do so. Not everyone is as passive as you think, Hermione."

I felt you slowly move away and my arm was released.

I closed my eyes, trying to swallow that lump caught in my throat.

The coldness of your words stung and cut deep into my heart.

I felt the tears behind my eyes but I dared not shed them.

I had to say something to compensate for the stupidity of my actions.

"Harry…"

But when I turned around, you were gone.

I didn't even hear your footsteps walk away. It was as if you disappeared into thin air.

A piece of parchment rested on the spot next to my feet.

_Room of Requirement_

_10:00 p.m._

I picked up the small parchment bearing those words that were scratched hastily unto it in your handwriting.

I gazed at it longer than I expected.

_Could I just meet you like this? In secret? Behind Ron's back?_

It seemed wrong…

And yet so right…

I decided to stop fooling myself and accepted the true aspirations of my heart.

Who was I to refuse you?

I love you.

You were right.

I couldn't run away or ignore it forever.

But could I face it? Could I face you?

I knew I had to.

Later that night, as I crept secretly out of the portrait hole, I realized that there was something else in me that made me _need_ you.

A powerful drive that startled me once I acknowledged it's presence.

It was more than just wanting to discuss about what happened that night.

More than just facing the truth and accepting it.

It was the aching need… the reckless desire to see you…

To be with you.

To feel what I felt with you that night when I was in your arms.

Just one more time.

Even if it meant breaking every rule I've ever known.

Breaking every promise I've ever made.

Yes, even breaking his heart, if it stood in the way.

No known magic or spell could have deterred me from entering that room and falling once again into the temptation that brought me so much dark despair and misery.

There was no turning back now. I knew what I had to do.

I just hoped I had the strength and willpower to do it.


	4. The Silence At Last Was Broken

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.

I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.

Enjoy!

_Then one day we cast away our secret longing_

_The raging tide we held inside would hold no more_

_The silence at last was broken _

_We flung wide our prison doors_

_Every joyous word of love was spoken_

_-Guinevere "Camelot"_

**The Silence At Last Was Broken**

I found myself standing right outside the door of the Room of Requirement.

My whole body was trembling.

I was so afraid of what I would find once I opened the door.

Were you inside waiting for me at that very moment?

I laid a shaky hand on the door handle and turned it slowly.

I stepped into a dimly lit room, the only light being a red-orange glow from a fireplace in the far corner.

"Harry?" I whispered, "Are you here?"

I closed the door behind me and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, I saw that the room resembled a beautiful master bedroom of a log cabin.

Looking outside a small window, I saw a landscape covered in snow. Soft snowflakes fell lightly from the night sky.

Though Hogwarts had been my home for a little over seven years, it never failed to leave me speechless with awe and amazement with all the things you could discover if you just looked beyond what you saw.

You just never know what to expect in Hogwarts…

My eyes beheld a large bed with large fluffy white pillows and covered with a beautifully woven quilt.

Two steaming cups of hot chocolate and a packet of marshmallows were sitting atop a small coffee table.

I saw a few beautiful paintings hung above the fireplace and a small bookcase was situated against the wall.

I marveled the ingenious and extraordinary magic the room possessed as I looked around.

"So brilliant and so beautiful." I whispered with a soft smile as I gazed at the room.

"Like you."

The sound of your voice startled me and I turned to find you leaning against the wall with your arms folded across your chest.

The sight of you left me breathless.

The long sleeves of your blue sweater were rolled up above your elbows, revealing your sinewy arms, a product of your intense Quidditch trainings.

Your green eyes were looking deep into mine from behind your glasses.

I felt as if you could almost see my very soul.

"Harry."

You dropped your arms to the side and started walking towards me.

I held my breath as you drew near. My mouth felt dry and my heart was racing.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do." You started, "We could just talk and—"

I didn't hear anything more.

I don't know what made me do it.

Perhaps it was all this bottled up desire and emotion for you that pushed me to act that way.

Your words were immediately silenced as I flung myself at you, pressing my body against yours and covering your lips with mine.

Your immediate and fierce response both startled and encouraged me.

It was amazing how well how bodies fit together.

Oh, Merlin, I wanted you. I needed you so much… so badly…

I was lost in this sensual, mad passion that seemed to take over the both of us.

The next thing I knew, I was up against the wall.

Our contact temporarily broke as you hastily removed both our sweaters and tossed them aside.

I closed my eyes and gasped your name.

"Open your eyes." I heard you say.

As I did, a tear found its way down my cheek.

"I love you, Harry."

You brushed away my tear with your thumb and kissed me softly.

"I know…"

I wrapped my arms around you and pulled you closer to me, "Don't leave me alone tonight. Tonight, I'm yours."

Without another word, your mouth took mine again.

Your arms effortlessly sweeping me off my feet as you carried me to the bed.

That night, our screams and our moans filled the room.

That night, I gave you my heart…my body…my soul…

That night… I really was _yours._

I always have been and always will be.

I didn't know what time it was when I woke up and found myself alone on a large bed.

At first, I was confused as to where I was but then everything suddenly came flooding back to me.

I smiled languidly as I remembered you… remembered us.

I dragged out the quilted sheet, covering my naked body with it as I slid off the bed to look for you.

I found you sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace wearing nothing but your worn out jeans.

"Hey."

You glanced up with a start and then smiled when you saw me, "Hey."

I saw that you looked troubled and tired as you took my hand and kissed it lovingly.

I sat down beside you, holding the quilted blanket securely around me and gazed at you worriedly, "Are you still having those nightmares, Harry?"

"No, I just needed to think about some things for a while." You replied softly, still holding my hand to your lips, "I don't get nightmares when I'm with you."

You always knew the right things to say. I smiled and blushed a little as I leaned in to kiss you.

I lingered a little longer on your lips before I pulled away so that I could look into your eyes.

Not knowing why, I brushed a few strands of your hair back with my fingers and trailed them along the side of your face.

I looked at you as I've never looked at you before.

You were no longer that naïve and frightened little boy I first met on the Hogwarts express during the first day of our first year.

Who knew nothing about the truth of his past and the horrors that awaited him in the future.

You've grown so much and so quickly in such short a time.

I saw in your eyes that night the true extent of your maturity and age.

You've faced dangers and encountered trials nobody else had and you triumphed over them all.

But the battle scars remained.

No matter how hard you tried to hide those scars, I always knew that they had never really fully healed.

I knew that the faces of those you lost came back to you in your dreams every night.

"Oh, Harry…"

You looked away and I saw that glint of hidden pain in your eyes.

"You may have fooled others, Harry. But you can never fool me. I know what haunts you."

"Are you frightened?" you asked in a solemn whisper, your eyes still not wanting to meet mine.

"Frightened? Of what?" I replied, though I already knew the answer.

"Of me… of who I am and what I've become…"

I smiled a little and laced my fingers through yours.

"Harry, I've known who you were even before the day we met. I knew you were destined for many things and I knew danger would be a great part of all of them. Yet, here I am. Still at your side and I'm never leaving you."

"What holds you to me, Hermione? These past years, you've been through all those horrible moments with me. Risking and nearly losing your life because of it. I don't want my fate to be yours as well. I can never forgive myself if I ever lose you!"

I stroke your face gently and felt you tremble underneath my touch.

Leaning in to kiss the side of your lips, I whispered soothingly, "Love, Harry. Love holds you to me and me to you. It's the one true power that overshadows anything Voldermort thinks he has. It's the one thing he can never understand and the one thing that will defeat him."

"I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve anything. I—"

I placed a finger to your lips to silence you. You were talking and thinking too much again.

"Shhh… Don't say such things. Don't ruin this moment. Tonight…Tonight is our night to be together. Forget the past and the future just for tonight and just _be_ with me. Please."

You smiled a little and said as you cupped my face in your hands, "I've been dreaming of this night for a long time. Now that it's here, it still feels like a dream. Are you really here with me, Hermione? Is it really you?"

"Yes, it's really me." I answered back with wide smile as I pressed my forehead against yours, "And this is not a dream…"

You said nothing as we sat there by the fire holding each other and trying to freeze that moment we had together. We sat there wishing that time would stop so we would never have to part and return to the outside world ever again.

Wanting to lighten the mood, I asked with a soft smile, "Do you want to know the exact moment I knew that I was helplessly in love with you?"

I saw your mouth twitch with a playful smile.

And I continued with a slight chuckle, "During the Halloween feast in our first year when you saved me from that wretched troll!"

You laughed and I blushed fiercely.

Your laugh always did something to me that I still can't explain…even now.

Slowly, your smile faded and your tone turned serious and almost desperate,

"I loved you the very first minute I saw you and every minute after that I loved you more and more. I still love you, Hermione. I always have and I'll never stop loving you till the day I die. You're a part of me. Without you, I am nothing. Which is why I'll never let anything happen to you…never…"

"I love you too Harry. I'll always love you. Stay with me…"

You grabbed my neck and kissed me with such a passion that I saw stars in my eyes.

We kissed and made love till every hidden emotion and thought were expressed.

We kept on giving till we could no more and were both spent.

I remember staring at the slowly brightening sky outside the window.

My head was resting on your chest and our legs were intertwined underneath the thick covers.

Your hand was gently stroking my hair.

"Harry, it's dawn."

"I know…"

"We should get back before people start getting up and find out that we've been gone all night."

"I know…"

But neither of us wanted to move.

Neither of us wanted to leave each other and this moment so as to return to reality…to the world where both of us have to pretend and take up our masks all over again.

"I don't want to leave you and I don't want you to leave me." I cried softly as I held unto you tighter.

I felt your chest rise as you took a deep breath then holding both my arms in your hands; you lifted us both into a sitting position on the bed.

I felt you bend down to kiss my neck as I wrapped my arms around yours and pulled you closer to me.

Your lips graze my ear, "What makes you think I could ever leave you?"

I closed my eyes and held you.

Then you pulled back slightly and taking my hands, you intertwined your own fingers through mine and gently kissed my knuckles; your eyes never leaving mine.

And I knew then that our blissful night was at its end.

"We should go. You're right. People would start asking questions and we wouldn't want that…especially Ron—"

I gasped as you stopped abruptly.

It was the first time either of us mentioned his name the whole night we were together.

I knew that both of us were secretly trying to avoid it. But, we also knew, that sooner or later, we had to face this.

A shadow of guilt fell on your face.

_Ron…_

"Oh, Harry." I whispered as more tears came streaming down my face.

Your jaw tightened and you slowly drew away from me.

"Come on, Hermione."

I nodded in silent agreement as you slid off the bed.

We dressed in silence, avoiding each other's gaze.

Then, just before I turned towards the door, you slid your arm around my waist and planted a kiss on my temple.

"We never got to have our talk last night, did we?" you asked with a faint smile.

"No, we didn't." I replied, not meeting your eyes.

I heaved a shaky breath as I turned the doorknob and opened the door slightly.

The familiar sight of the corridor brought back that sinking feeling in my stomach.

I didn't want to leave this room yet… I didn't want to leave you but I knew I had no other choice.

Just as I stepped outside, you grabbed my arm.

"Hermione."

My name came out as a weak whisper and in a blink of an eye, I was back in your arms.

Our lips locked in a hungry passionate kiss as we tried all we could to delay our parting.

"Go—" I gasped as I pushed you away gently, "We'll never get back to our rooms in time if we keep on like this."

Breathlessly, you nodded and swallowed hard, "Meet me here again. Tonight."

"What?' I asked with disbelief.

"Please, Hermione. Just say yes. I don't want to keep you standing here any longer but I won't take no for an answer. After last night, I can't spend any other night alone. I _need_ you."

Though I knew it was wrong.

Though I knew I had caused enough pain and treachery for the both of us.

Though I knew it would only make things even worse.

"Yes." I replied softly.

As I said before, how could I refuse you?

You needed me…

And that thought was all it took to have me submit.

You smiled with relief and kissed me softly, "Alright. That's all I needed to hear. Go."

I stepped away from you and it took every ounce of strength in me to not turn back.

"Wait! Here."

I looked back at you and you were holding out your father's invisibility cloak towards me.

"But… Harry?"

"I've been out of bed loads of times. People wouldn't think anything about it if I turn up at this time. Considering no one bothers asking me anything anymore these days, just back to the usual staring and whispering. You need it more than I do."

You smiled grimly, still holding out the cloak to me.

I took it sheepishly, "Thanks Harry."

The scent of you on the cloak made me slightly lightheaded as I donned the magical garment and disappeared from sight.

You closed the door to the Room of Requirement and whispered as you reached for my invisible hand, "Stay close to me."

"Always." I whispered back as I squeezed your hand.

A/N: Some of the lines written here might sound strangely familiar..hehe… Let's say I used/ripped off some lines from some of my favorite movies Don't hurt me! Haha!


	5. Twice As Much Grief, Twice The Pain

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.

I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.

Enjoy!

_And now there's twice as much grief_

_Twice the pain for us_

_Twice the despair, twice the strain for us_

_As we had known before_

_Guinevere, "Camelot"_

**Twice As Much Grief, Twice The Pain**

_I moaned at your touch._

_Your hands were on my hips, my stomach, and then on my thighs._

_Your tongue clashing with mine._

_I could feel you inside me and I reached for you._

_I screamed your name and heard you calling out mine with such intensity._

_Hermione! Hermione!_

"HERMIONE!"

I slowly opened my eyes and my vision cleared to find Ginny Weasley standing beside my bed with her arms folded.

_Oh Merlin! Did she hear me?_

"Are you alright? You've been moaning in your sleep. Anyway, what's gotten into you? Are you coming down with anything? It's not like you to sleep in past noon."

I ran a hand through my hair and shook the sleep out of my head.

"It's past noon?"

"It is and Ron's worried sick that you've come down with the flu or something. He's been asking me to check up on you since this morning."

"Oh. I see. Well, um, thanks Ginny. Tell Ron I'll be down soon." I said as I slid out of bed.

Ginny nodded, though she still gave me that strange look before leaving the room.

When she was gone, I breathed a sigh of relief.

And as I did, a surge of pain coursed through my body.

I was sore.

Sore from what?

Then I remembered last night and everything that happened between you and me in the Room of Requirement.

I smiled a little to myself now relishing the pain. It was a clear sign that the night before wasn't a dream and that there may be a chance of it occurring again on that night.

I seldom have that dream anymore. The one that I have of us making love and climaxing at the exact same time. Although nowadays, whenever I do have it, I no longer smile when I awake from it since all I've ever wanted was to just live in that dream and never awaken.

That morning, I quickly showered, brushed my teeth and spent nearly thirty minutes deciding what to wear, which was ridiculous considering that it wasn't a usual concern for me. Hermione Granger was never one to care about what she looked like or what she wore on a regular, ordinary day.

But it wasn't just an ordinary day.

No. It wasn't an ordinary day at all.

If I could somehow get my hands on a time turner and return to that moment, I would tell my past self not to go down those stairs in such a hurry and not to glow with that hidden joy and mirth.

I would tell her to crawl back in to her bed and never get out of it.

I would tell her to close her eyes and fall back to sleep.

But, as you can see, it's impossible to change the past now. If it were possible, I would have gone and done so already and maybe you would still be alive.

But you're not.

I remember running down the stairs and nearly colliding into Ron.

"Ron!" I said in surprise.

"Blimey, Hermione!" Ron said as he rubbed his arm which I had collided into in my haste.

"Sorry about that. I was just in a hurry to look for you and tell you that I'm quite alright and—"

"Hermione," Ron cut me off as he gazed at me with a somber expression, "We have to talk."

_He knows! Merlin, he knows!_

That small voice inside my head screamed and panicked.

I suddenly felt that familiar lump in my throat.

"Oh." Was all I could manage to say.

"Come on, I reckon we should go somewhere private." Ron said as he took my hand in his.

My heart was racing and I could feel sweat starting to form on my nape and brow.

We exited the common room and Ron led me into an empty classroom a few floors down.

"I think you should sit down, Hermione." Ron said as he closed the door.

I didn't know what else I could do or what to say so I followed his words and sat on the edge of a chair.

I closed my eyes and prayed that whatever it was that he was going to say, it would be said direct and to the point with none of the formality nonsense he usually uses when trying to talk about something serious.

"Something's happened."

With those two words, I knew then and there that he wasn't going to talk about what happened between you and me.

"Harry?"

Ron nodded.

I felt my heart sink and the blood drain from my face.

"What's happened? Is he alright? Where is he?" I asked furiously, standing up and walking towards Ron.

Ron placed his hands on my shoulders and said reassuringly, "Calm down, Hermione. He's fine. He's in his room."

Somehow, Ron managed to make me sit back down.

"Tell me Ron. What's happened?" I asked again more urgently.

Why was he taking his own sweet time to tell me something so important? He's always known me to be this distraught whenever it came to be about your safety. I was never placated until I knew that you were alright.

"He's packing." Ron stated.

I knotted my brows in confusion, "Packing? Wha—Why?"

Ron looked at me curiously as if he expected me to know what he meant by that, "Well, he's leaving, Hermione."

"Leaving?"

Ron sighed, "I forgot that you weren't up at your usual time and that you haven't read this morning's Prophet."

Ron reached into his robes and pulled out a very battered copy of the Daily Prophet.

My eyes immediately fell on the headlines:

**3000 MUGGLES DEAD! 400 WITCHES AND WIZARDS MURDERED! YOU-KNOW-WHO SENDS FINAL MESSAGE TO HARRY POTTER! **

_No…_

I took the paper from Ron's hand and scanned the article with frantic eyes.

"Harry says that You-Know-Who was in his dreams again last night. He says that if Harry doesn't come out to face him in battle, the killing will continue and this time, it'll be in Hogwarts."

I dropped the paper to the ground. My hands were shaking uncontrollably.

"Y-You've talked with Harry already?" I asked.

Ron nodded again, "I tried to talk him out of it. I told him he was being daft and bloody reckless but he would hear none of it. I know how he thinks and I know what he's telling himself what he should do. He's in a right state but I couldn't talk him out of it."

My head was spinning as I tried to comprehend his words and the reality of what was happening.

"Ron, what— what are you talking about?" This last question came out as an exasperated whisper.

Ron hardened his jaw and walked over towards me. He took his hands in mine as he knelt in front of me. His blue eyes were staring intently at me as if they were begging me to read his thoughts.

"Hermione, listen to me." After saying this he sighed and looked away, "I told Harry that he should be the one telling you this but he insisted on me doing it. I know how much you care about him and how he cares about you. He's my best mate and yours as well."

Ron was doing it. He was doing the very thing I had hoped he wouldn't do: Distracting me with his nonsense formalities yet again.

"He's going to fight Voldemort on his own."

I blinked twice. If that was what all this suspense was for ,that information was hardly a surprise. Even I knew that was coming. It was a typical reaction on your part as it was characteristic of your noble tragic hero personality.

At first I felt a small pang of relief fill my head. Naturally, that was always your first reaction. Putting yourself before others and taking the responsibility on your own shoulders. You've tried to do it for years but Ron and I always managed to make you see how you needed us to be with you all the more.

When Ron saw my expression, he quickly continued, "But that isn't all of it Hermione."

"What more could there be, Ron? That's just Harry being Harry. He's always said that. He just needs to be convinced that we will always be there to stand by his side and—"

Ron cut me off again, "Please, Hermione, let me finish."

I looked at him curiously and I felt a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach as if I already knew what he was going to say.

"You remember the Horcruxes? The ones Harry told us about?" Ron asked.

Again, with the formalities.

"Of course I do! He and Professor Dumbledore were gone for almost two months trying to track them all down and destroying them. But, what has this got to do with anything? Harry himself told us that the Horcruxes were all gone. Professor Dumbledore gave his life destroying the last one."

Ron shook his head, "They're not all gone. Dumbledore was wrong. There's one more left."

I was more confused than ever, "Well, we'll just have to find it and destroy it and—"

"It's him, Hermione." Ron blurted out, his face turning as red as his hair.

"H-him? Who?"

I didn't need to hear the answer by the look in Ron's eyes.

"No… No, it can't. It just can't." I said shaking my head, my vision blurring with tears "It can't be him. No! I won't believe it! It's a lie!"

I stood up and pushed Ron away as I rushed towards the window. I needed to breathe. I needed air. I needed… something!

"You know I love you too much to lie to you." Ron said softly as he walked towards me.

I leaned my head against the window pane as I looked out at the bright blue sky. I heard the distant chatter of students below and wondered how the world could go on the way it was with all of this happening.

"He told me that he'll be waiting for you in the Room of Requirement. You remember where it is, don't you?"

I heaved a sob as I closed my eyes.

How could I forget? You and I were just there the night before making love and pretending that the world outside didn't exist. How could I forget that room? It was the only place where I could be completely yours as you were mine.

I felt Ron's arms circle around my waist as he leaned his head on mine and whispered, "I know what he'll probably tell you won't be a lot different from what he told me. I know that you're going to go into a rage and tell him how much of an idiot he's being but… I don't think we can convince him this time, Hermione."

I buried my face in my hands as I tried to wake myself up from this horrid nightmare.

"Whatever he may say, you know that I'll be right outside waiting for you. I'll be there, just like I always have. You won't have to take all of this on yourself alone."

Ron tried to kiss my cheek but I shied away from him.

The complexity and myriad of emotions that engulfed me were too much for me to bear.

The guilt of being in his arms knowing how much he loved me and how much he loved you.

The pain of having to lie to him by not telling him the truth about our betrayal of his love and trust.

The fear of knowing you were going to be leaving me... leaving me to die out there, for the sake of the whole world.

The confusion, the despair, the anger, the grief… it was as if they were all doubled and crashing down on me altogether.

I needed you. I needed you then and there. I needed you so badly.

I tore myself away from Ron's arms and ran out of the room.

"Hermione! Hermione, wait!" I heard him call out but I was already out of his sight by the time he reached the hallway.


End file.
